Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. Then perhaps from there they can move towards leaving. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. Listen to his response and try to . 3. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? Why dont we call it quits, then, and see if somebody else might not make you happier?. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your Zodiac Sign. And also we tend to be very keen for love and approval and so when we seem to get it in the form of someone else picking us to be their lover its a really heady thing. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. So people get made to feel that theyre failing if they have the kind of depression that cant be fixed by green leafy vegetables and jogging (or that they must not want to get well if their depression prevents them from having the energy to cook, exercise, or whatever). If your boyfriend has trouble talking about his feelings, try asking him if there's anything he'd like to talk about (within your relationship or just in general). I dont want to read too far into this, but how is LWs boyfriend? I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. Cause this happens to me a lot, both with migraines and depression. The human incarnation of depression is just what I was thinking. And yes, those cultural messages are a large part of the reason I still often feel like I am a failure because my (emotionally abusive) ex dumped me and I now have to mark Divorced every damn year when I do my taxes. Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? Heres some signs your relationship is over in all but name and Facebook status: It may seem like a good thing if you and your man never fight, but take it from a dude I never want to be wrong. Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. Thank you. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? He may have felt too responsible for you, or that he was committed to always look after your needs. Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor. My ex did this. Youre a real person. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. They are debate tools. He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before. You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. But I guess its cool because he never got DIVORCED *gasp*. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. Cant remember him ever doing this either. Those ultra-logical people can sure be jerks, but theyre not the only ones. I guarantee you it will only get worse. And doing more productive self care is often incredibly hard. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. What did you just say to me? Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. . Do you know what actually made me feel so much better? As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. He didnt like my opinions. I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). We dont need to split up so I wanted to highlight that things dont need to be The Worst for you to decide a particular behavior needs to stop. Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. Work. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. I am so mad at you for having cancer! See the problem? He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! Because Reasons? You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! depression, chronic pain, fatigue, whatever is hindering you], you just keep going on and work through it. *grinds teeth* Not. A while later we split up, and it was unfun and shitty and also exhilarating and life changing and were both in a better place now. One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. Its more like, I am too physically exhausted to self-sabotage by not getting enough sleep. I struggle mightily. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. Count me in with the DTMFA crowd. He then said that he was only trying to make her into a better person. Do you want to be like my mum, self esteem completely destroyed, fleeing an abusive 30 year relationship from someone who always thought you were not good enough? I did not fail. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. Don't reach out to his ex. Remind you when I see its not done? I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. Expressing that anger towards the situation? Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. Responding to specific, objective elements is reasonable, and a good way to keep score if things are getting better or worse. She did all that and I struggle even getting out of bed in the morning? There's no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. Knowing that fucking up around him was something forgivable (or something which didnt need forgiving) meant I felt braver about trying new things because failing wasnt so terrible an outcome. And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. And if you have depression??? You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. Try to find something low key that has a predictable, repeatable structure so you see some of the same people every time and can form connections naturally over time. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. Maybe that makes a good benchmark if someones trying to sort out the real from the fake. They do sound like exactly what Id say, though, if I were the type to try and manipulate my partner into getting thinner and doing all the housework. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. Cosigned. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. Seriously. like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. I hate those inspirational stories. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. What was it that made him stop putting in the work? Period. 2) Even if being prompted to do things like eat better food, exercise to work off stress etc was beneficial to you..its still wrong and bad to do it without an agreement, ESPECIALLY when the promptee has explicitly asked the other person to not do it. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). Now! If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. Its possible. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. Telling me how logical he is. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? what if what if what if?!?! For the rest of us, it reinforces the jerkbrains message. its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). Not really. Him: You havent been to the gym today! And you know what? You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. No. Im rooting for you, LW, because this was one of the toughest ongoing issues in our relationship for a while, and I had to show him that what works as treatment for some people cant be applied to everyone broadly and without that persons permission. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. LW, Ive been in your shoes, and youre ignoring how very NOT nice the boyfriend is being with all this. Weve worked hard to become partners in his health and Ive definitely made some missteps along the way. And I have never regretted that decision even once. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. We are high maintenance and needy, its all caused by our hormones (and that somehow makes it funny/unimportant), we are dismal and pathetic. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. Many sympathies. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. These are pretty direct statements. Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. He also once painted a portrait of Hitler, which has got to be one of the worlds most dubious claims to fame! That can be so helpful. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. Therefore it can never be a cure or anything more than an occasional thing. A big part of the reason I gave up running for four years is how much it keyed up my anxiety about being good enough, being fast enough, and my shame about how much strength and speed Ive lost since high school. The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. He immediately misses you. LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. Do with that information what you will. (I dont think its as uncommon as people would have you think.). Stating your boundaries might just bring his own discomfort into the open. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. If you choose to ignore these signs, then some day you will find that things have gone beyond the point of no return. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: A big thing about this for me is the control he seems to want over your life. It may well be correct that he loves her, and it may well be correct that *part* of his motivation is to help her do what he knows she wants to do. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Soudns like hed already evolved into a wanker. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. Accepting you means accepting that. And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. I felt like I had to fix it and if I just explained my feelings enough (cus he was a Nice Guy and would never do anything to hurt me and never cheated on me) he would stop unintentionally making me miserable and there was no Proper Reason to do it. The goalposts will keep moving. It sounds like BF is unhappy with the relationship, but feels like LW has it in her control to make the relationship better, so he is taking it out on her for not being the idealized version of herself. Which is, when you get down to it, rather like juxtaposing a floor mop and a ceiling duster as binary opposites the opposition is purely circumstantial, there are more similarities between the two than differences, and quite honestly, if pushed, either of them can perform the same tasks as the other if theyre the only thing to hand. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. One of my partners was doing something like this for a spell there. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. Reasonable. I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. (and having dated somebody like LWs partner in the past when I was severely depressive I really kind of just want to SHOOT HIM.). Maybe Im coming off as too harsh, and if I am I apologize. My therapist and I called this Shoulding all over me. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. I hope you can use some of these scripts to talk to your boyfriend, and that he can truly listen to what you are saying. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. That does not sound like respect. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Forgive me, but I get the feeling from your letter that its the latter. Slowly cut these people out of your life. Hell yes! After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. Because he has a low self esteem and is afraid of losing you. Even if he were good at this coaching thing (spoiler: hes not), he shouldnt be your coach. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. and telling you this what you need to do to feel better, and if my suggestion doesnt fix you, theres something wrong with you is not something he is entitled to do, and the same goes for playing therapist without your consent. I 100 million percent second this. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. Soup kitchens. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision.

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